Letter 10: Letters by Proxy, pt. 2

Linds, do you know Guy Ritchie? I mean, personally? Could you pass this on to him?

Guy,

I just saw the trailer for Sherlock Holmes. You are officially forgiven for Swept Away.

Yours,

Stuart

Letter 9: Letters by Proxy, pt. 1

Lindsay, do you know Gary Busey? Personally? Could you pass on this message?

Gary,

You're awesome.

Stuart

Thanks Linds. Good to hear you're spending some quality time with your little sis.

Letter 8: AMI

Lindsay, I recently got my hands on the track list for Quentin Tarantino's jukebox, AMi. I thought I'd share.

1. Isaac Hayes - Theme from Shaft/Ellie's Love Theme
2. Barry White - You're the First, the Last, My Everything/Can't Get Enough
3. Bob Dylan - George Jackson (Acoustic)/George Jackson (Big Band)
4. Stevie Wonder - Lately/If it's Magic
5. The Chi-Lights - Have You Seen Her/Oh Girl
6. The T.H.P. Orchestra - Theme from S.W.A.T., Pt. 1/Oh Girl
7. Stevie Wonder - I Ain't Gonna Stand For It/Knocks Me Off My Feet
8. Bloodstone - Natural High/This Thing is Heavy
9. Don McLean - American Pie Pt. 1/American Pie Pt. 2
10. The Sweet - Little Willy/Man From Mecca
11. The Isley Brothers - Take Me to the Next Phase Pt 1/Take Me to the Next Phase Pt 2
12. The Miracles - Love Machine Pt 1/Love Machine Pt 2
13. Bob Dylan - Subterranean HomesickBlues/She Belongs to Me
14. Honey Cone - Stick Up/V.I.P.
15. Earth, Wind, & Fire - Shining Star/Yearning, Learning
16. Amii Stewart - Knock on Wood/When You Are Beautiful
17. Honey Cone - Wan & Ed's/We Belong Together
18. Kool and the Gang - Hollywood Swinging/Jungle Boogie
19. Bob Dylan - Band of the Hand/Theme From Joe's Death
20. The Sweet - Wig-Wam-Bam/New York Connection
21. The Friends of Distinction - Grazing in the Grass/I Really Hope You Do
22. Marvin Gaye - Trouble Man/Don't Mess with Mr. T
23. Bob Dylan - Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again/Rita May
24. Pacific Gas and Electric - Are you Ready?/Staggalee
25. Donna Summer - Love to Love You Baby/Need-A-Man Blues
26. Michael Zager Band - Let's All Chant/Love Express
27. Santa Esmeralda - Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood/You're My Everything
28. Jigsaw - Sky High/Brand New Love Affair
29. George Baker Selection - Little Green Bag/Pretty Little Dreamer
30. The Sweet - Blockbuster/Need a Lot of Lovin
31. Eddie Floyd - Good Love, Bad Love/things Get Better
32. Joe Tex - The Love You Save/If Sugar Was As Sweet As You
33. Bob Dylan - Gotta Serve Somebody (long version)/Gotta Serve Somebody (short version)
34. Dick Dale - Miserlou/Eight til Midnight
35. Lee Williams - They Told a Lie/I'm Tore Up
36. William Bell - Formula of Love/You Don't Miss Your Water
37. Dinah Washington - Mad About the Boy/Stormy Weather
38. The Box Tops - Cry Like a Baby/The Door You Closed To Me
39. The Checkmates, LTD - Black Pearl/Lazy Susan
40. The Sweet - Fox on the Run/Miss Demeanor
41. The Delfonics - Didn't I (Blow Your Mind This Time)/La-La Means I Love You
42. Brothers Johnson - Get the Funk Outta Ma Face/Tomorrow
43. Bob Dylan - Hurrican Pt 1/Hurrican Pt 2
44. Abba - Waterloo/Watch Out
45. T. Rex - Jeepster/Life's A Gas
46. Melanie - What Have They Done To My Song Ma?/Ruby Tuesday
47. Commander Cody - Hor Rob Lincoln/Beat Me Daddy Eight to the Bar
48. Robert Mitchum - Thunder Road/The Tip of My Fingers
49. Dean Martin - Rio Bravo/My Rifle My Pony and Me
50. Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, & Tich - Hold Tight!/You Know What I Want

You should be opening up the Itunes now.

Letter 7: Peace by Inches

Linds, I can tell you're kinda down. How can I tell? Because I'm kinda down. Not going to go into it, but things aren't going so well, Linds. Every couple of hours, I listen to Al Pacino's speech from Any Given Sunday. I'm going to type it up for you. I would just cut and paste, but that's lazy. I'm not. Let's begin.

I don't know what to say really.

[That's actually how I most prayers. And every conversation with girls.]

Three minutes til the biggest battle of our professional lives.

[Oh, and the battle is with yourself. You've each got a hatchet]

It all comes down to today.

[Everyday]

Either we heal, as a team, or we're gonna crumble.

[You need to get a handle of all your shit]

Inch by inch, play by play, until we're finished.

[Healing's an ongoing process. Allowing your self the time to heal is an everyday, hour at a time process]

We're in Hell right now, gentlemen.

[Okay, so you're a chick. But still in Hell]

Believe me.

[Seriously]

And, we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us

[High school taught me to go with option with the least amount of kicking]

Or we can fight our way back

[You'll notice, less kicking]

Into the light

[And not that dawn light that breaks over your glazed eyes when you leave a club after a hard night. The good kind of light]

We can climb out of Hell

One inch at a time

Now, I can't do it for you.

[I got shit to do]

I'm too old.

[Well, I'm not that old. But I feel that old. So let's keep it.]

I look around

I see these young faces and I think

[I can't really see your face]

I mean, I made every wrong choice a middle aged man can make.

[Despite not having been a quarter aged man yet, this still applies]

I pissed away all my money, believe it or not

[And while you probably still have pissable money, it's never too early to start rethinking lifestyle choices]

I chased off anyone who's ever loved me

[My sister's dog, when I was 12]

And lately, I can't even stand the face I see in the mirror

[My razor's been broke for weeks]

You know, when you get old in life,

things get taken from you

[Sure, you're what, 22? But making I Know Who Killed Me easily took off ten years.]

I mean, that's part of life

BUT, you only learn that

When you start losing stuff

You find out, life is this game of inches

[Much like fashion]

And so is football

[And so is fashion]

In either game, life or football

[Fashion]

The margin for error is so small

I mean, one half a step too late or too early

And you don't quite make it

One half second too slow, too fast

And you don't quite catch it

[That's how I dance. But with more flailing]

The inches we need are everything around us

They're in every break of the game, every minute every second

[Don't believe me? Go buy measuring tape. You'll find out.]

On this team, we fight for that inch

[Okay, so you're not part of a "team". I hear you like your sister. Let's call her part of your team]

On this team, we tear ourselves and everyone else around us to pieces for that inch

We claw, with our fingernails for that inch

[This is all metaphors. DON'T DO THIS!]

Cause we know when we add up all those inches that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing, between living and dying

I tell ya this, in any fight, it's the guy who's willing to die who's going to win that inch

(Or girl. Or girls] [girl who's willing to die, not going to win a girl][or girls]

And I know, if I'm gonna have any life any more, it's because I'm stil willing to fight and die for that inch

[By have a life, I mean order some sandwiches from Yummy.com and watch a flick]

Because that's what living is.

[Sandwiches. Living is sandwiches]

the six inches in front of your face

[Just the right distance for a sandwich]

Now I can't make you do it

[But really, everyone loves sandwiches. I shouldn't have to make you]

You gotta look at the guy next to you, look into his eyes

[Again, look at your sister. Look into her eyes. Suddenly my hit count is going up. Finally]

Now I think you're going to see a guy who will go that inch with you

[By guy, I mean your sister. By inch, I mean out for sandwiches]

You're gonna see a guy who will sacrifice himself for this team because he knows when it comes down to it, you're gonna do that same for him.

[Your sister knows that five, six years from now, when she gets dumped by a DJ, she can call you and you're going to come running, sandwiches in one hand, ice cream in the other]

That's a team gentlemen

[While you're not a gentleman, that's still a team]

Now ether we heal now as a team or we will die as individuals

[It's okay to let your sister in. Or a sandwich. They both have great healing powers]

That's football guys

[Also, fashion, ladies]

That's all it is

[Sandwiches are not that complicated. Unlike fashion]

Now, what are you gonna do?

[I recommend the Rueben, a nice cold glass of Cherry Pepsi, shopping around for original material you could develop, and sign up for some college classes]

Letter 6: Coming Attractions

Linds, I was searching for a trailer for Is Anybody There? (I'm a sucker for Michael Caine. If you haven't read his book "Acting on Film" you really should), and I found it. Or at least I thought I found it. I actually accidently found a clip of the film.

[http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/isanybodythere/]

After watching the clip, I went and found the trailer and I gotta say, I prefer the clip. It introduces the two main characters, gives you an idea of their relationship, what the film's going to be about, and introduces enough weirdness (recording the dead, seances) without explaining things too much.

The trailer on the other hand, tells you everything. Who everybody is, what's going on, and you can probably figure out the ending by the time the trailer ends. Where's the fun in that?

I think the best trailers I've ever seen are as follows.

The Comedian:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXbFuNQwTbs

Layer Cake:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_4gcYeLfJMs

Lady in the Water:

Okay, I searched everything for this trailer. The best I could find was on youtube, but it had it's audio track ripped out. So go buy Lady in the Water (sadly, you can probably pick it up for $2.99) and watch the short teaser trailer. You'll know you've found the right one when the opera music starts.

The Dark Knight:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1clvbS_33mk&feature=PlayList&p=C9258BBB2DC69CDE&index=49

Red Eye:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAFDHyH8buQ

Let's break em down.

The Comedian, about Jerry Seinfeld's return to the stage, sets the movie up beyond perfectly. Seinfeld's whole schtick is deconstructing the world around us for humor. So the trailer for his movie deconstructs movie trailers. For humor.

Layer Cake tells you everything you need to know. Daniel Craig is the good guy, or at least the least bad guy. There's some people against him. There's a pretty blonde girl. People get shot. At some point, people are running. Also, drugs. If none of that appeals to you, you probably won't like the movie.

Lady in the Water's shorter, teaser trailer sets the film up much better than the "Hollywood" trailers that make it look like a thrill a minute joy ride. It's not. Well, it's not thrill a minute. It is however a joy ride, if an underestimated, overlooked joyride.

It's hard not to call The Dark Knight the best trailer ever. In under 60 seconds the whole film is more or less set up. There's the mob, Batman, Alfred, and Heath Ledger was the perfect choice for The Joker, so let's go ahead and retire the Brokeback Batman jokes and expect awesomeness.

Red Eye gets bonus points for the mislead. It starts out looking like a by the numbers romance, and then C. Murph eyes's get all red. The only set up you need for the film is 1. Rachael McAdams is cute, flustered, and innocent. 2. There's a plane. 3. Cillian Murphy is not to be trusted. He's probably up to something. Something devious.

Too often trailers fall into what my friend Jonny refers to as "The Italian Job Trap"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hvj9vhA8ixY

Alright, so there's a heist. Cool, cool. Oops, looks like Edward Norton betrays and kills D. Sutherland. Alright, alright. The gang's out for revenge, picking up Sutherland's daughter for the ride. Fun, fun. There's some plotting, there's some planning. Things are heating up. Stop traffic, direct the truck full of money. Okay, okay. There the truck...falling through the street. Seth Green celebrating. Edward Norton screams out where's my money. C. Thereon punches Edward Norton.

That's the entire movie. It's a good movie, I like it. And now, thanks for the trailer, no one really has to watch it to find out what happens. We've all saved an enormous amount of time.

Special mention goes to the trailer to National Treasure. The trailer sets up the whole film to be about Nic Cage stealing the Declaration. 30 minutes in, he succeeds. Regardless of how you feel about the movie, it is a nice feeling knowing the you haven't already seen the last hour and a half of the film.

You should think about this, when you're making your directorial debut.

Letter 5: Sleep Statistics (SD/EN)

L-dawg, I've got to ask. How do you sleep at night?

Whoa whoa, no reason to call the guards. And I'm not coming from some self righteous moral angle. I mean it literally. How do you sleep at night?

As I lay in bed last night, I thought about the times when, half-delusional from lack of sleep, I'd imagine a pair of arms encircling me as I fell asleep. I always thought it was a little weird, but it seemed to help me to sleep, so there you go.

When you start thinking about it though, most everyone has a similar thing going on. No one wants to fall asleep alone. We fall asleep to the TV, to the radio, talking on the phone. Even praying to God (which Bill Mayer tells me is a delusion and is directly leading to Nuclear War! Also, I'm responsible for The Crusades. I'm not exactly sure how) , all things we do so we don't feel alone when we fall asleep.

Since it's so universal, there must be something in us that desires to not sleep alone. I think it really develops right when you hit puberty (you could argue that it's there even from birth, screaming babies in cribs quieting down when handed a teddy bear and all that), which is right when most of us start to get an idea of what loneliness is. It's when we get emotional, depressed and mood swingy. They say most of us grow out of it as we get older, but I think it's less about getting older than it is about dating.

By the time we hit, say, 20, most of us have had an, if not serious, at least affectionate relationship. We've probably fallen asleep beside someone. Most of us have had sex. (Which, you know, I'm not for, but statistics don't lie)(Okay, statistics do lie, but statistically speaking, they tell the truth more often than not). We've experienced falling asleep not alone, even if only the thoughts of the other person were there. Even post-breakup when we're single, the "sweet delight" folk among us wrap themselves in the knowledge that they won't always be sleeping alone. The more "endless night" among us, on the other hand, due to anxiety, depression, self-doubt, statistics, or from listening to too much depressing music, wonder if that was the end, if we were only meant to sleep soundly for one too brief period of our lives and now, due to mistake or circumstance, have only our regrets to fall asleep to. Which generally causes the EN's to make rash judgements, going to bed with strangers, getting in bad relationships, deciding that love isn't meant for us.

There's no doubt you've just gotten out of a relationship. Even my rudimentary understanding of tab-rags attests to that. And looking at Sam Robson, she was probably a heck of a spooner (tiny, but with strong arms, what with the disc jockey'ing and everything). At the moment, everyone seems to care what you're doing, but not how you're doing. Which is sad. There's not much I can do about. We don't know other, and now that I've started a blog based solely around letter writing to you, I've virtually guaranteed we never will. Your handlers would lose their shit.

"He's that boy from the blogspot. He's probably crazy, probably got an axe in his trunk. Like that guy in Dementia 13. Or Night of the Creeps!"

But if you'll allow me to begin again.

How do you sleep at night?

Letter 4: 61.8

Linds, a couple of days ago, I said you should watch Brian De Palma's Sisters. Did you? You did? Good, wasn't it?

Far as I can make out, Sisters was Palma's first big success. Sure, it has some of the cliches of the horror/thriller genre (a crazy twin sister, a Psycho-esqe butcher knife, the black guy dies first), but it also brings with it a solid visual style and Margot Kidder as a French-Canadian model/actress AND frenchcanadamodelactress's sister. I gotta say, she's a delight. Seeing her be so good makes me sad that I can't name much she's been in outside of Superman. It doesn't hurt she shows up wearing this.

For a second I thought I walked into an anime. An anime about twin sister's, one who is crazy, with blood...wait. Yeah, that's an anime.

After enjoying Sister's, you might feel like checking out some of De Palma's other films. And that's only natural. You might say to yourself, I think I'll watch Mission Impossible. Nothing wrong with that. You might say to yourself, I think I'll watch Scarface. Nothing wrong with that. You might say to yourself, I think I'll watch Snake Eyes.

Just hang on for one minute there. Much like watching 3-D movies, watching Snake Eyes comes with special instructions. When you pop the movie in, pay special attention to the movie time running on your DVD player. Eventually the timer is going to get to 21:26. At this point, stop the film. Eject it from your player. The movie is over. If you wish, you can go back to the beginning and watch it to the 21:26 mark. Reveal in Nicolas Cage being Nicolas Cage. See Gary Sinise recite dialogue with no facial expression. Watch and rewatch the opening shots, all cleverly edited and shot so as to appear as one long continuous tracking shot. It's a hoot. Then take it out of your player. Return it to the store, throw it away, run a lighter under it, whatever.

Maybe you aren't willing to trust me on this. And that's fair. Let me break it down for you.

After the 21:26 mark, Nic Cage is going to start unraveling the mystery. He's going to talk to a boxer who took a dive, a mysterious woman in a blonde (blonde in the silver sense) wig, ruffians, and cohorts in a conspiracy that led to the killing of the Secretary of Defense. You're going to be right there with him. Yeah, the acting's a little off (I'm sorry Gary. It's not your best work. It looks like you popped half a morphine roll and then walked on set. You deliver your lines with all the enthusiasm of a CSI cop...Now it all makes sense), but man, this thing is shot so well. And not horror movie of the week, at least it looked good well, but I mean, well. And the closer Nic gets to the truth, the more you want to know the truth. Until he finds out the truth.

After Nic finds out what's going on, the movie takes a nosedive. The third act is horrible. It becomes I-solved-the-mystery-now-what-should-we-do-for-a-half-hour? Beat up on Nicolas Cage? Sure why not. And I'd let you watch the 2nd act (roughly 21:26-1:02:30) but then you're going to want to watch the third act. And then you're going to be disappointed. As it stands, you've seen a good 1st act that you'll remember, for visual reasons if nothing else, for years to come.

The problems are three fold. I'll pause here for an intermission if you need to go grab a fresh can of Diet Cherry Pepsi from the fridge.

Alright, the first problem is the climax. Everything's been building up and up, there's a literal hurricane building outside, Nic has to look over his life as a corrupt cop and decide just how corrupt he is, Sinise makes a facial expression (arguably he makes three, but I'm siding on it just being one long expression) Then the film just kind of drops. Like if you cut the final church scene out of The Killer.

The 2nd and 3rd problems are tied together. While Cage is doing his search for information schtik, the audience is given the info about who the bad guy is around the 43:00 mark. So, when Cage gets told what's going on, we don't really care so much. We've known for 18 minutes. In Twitter time, that's enough for Trent Reznor and Amanda Palmer to get into a animal/vegetable/mineral free for all. And when Cage expresses disbelief and sets out to get more evidence, we don't really care. We know the truth.

The 3rd problem is due to timing. Nic gets his whodunit info right at the 1:00:00-1:03:00 mark. Now, there's this film theory called the Golden Ratio theory (it applies to music, photography, painting, etc. You can read more about it by clicking the title. It'll give you something to think about when you hit the recording studio), that, to put it simply says that whatever happens in the film at the 61.8% mark is very important, either to the plot, or to character, or to theme, or what have you. For example, it's when Luke meets Leia. But when Nic finds out all the answers at the mark, which should matter (a lot!), it doesn't really matter to us, because we all know who the killers are, if not why the killers are.

If the 3rd act had been slammin, it wouldn't really have mattered. I'm an American, if you bring some hot 3rd act action, I can overlook most anything. But Snake Eyes didn't. So I can't.

Don't even get me started on the weaker than weak working in the movie title into the dialogue. Snake Eyes? Really? That's the best we can do?

In retrospect, after the first act just mute the sound.